I'd move away tomorrow and cut the whole gossipy, deceitful,
hypocritical lot of 'em if I was n't afraid of closing the house and so losing
Susanna, if she should ever feel like coming back to us."
These words and the thought back of them were too much for John's self-
control. The darkness helped him and his need of comfort was abject. Suddenly
he burst out, "Oh, Louisa, for heaven's sake, give me a little crumb of
comfort, if you have any! How can you stand like a stone all these months and
see a man suffering as I have suffered, without giving him a word?"
"You brought it on yourself," said Louisa, in self-exculpation.
"Does that make it any easier to bear?" cried John. "Don't you suppose I
remember it every hour, and curse myself the more? You know perfectly well
that I'm a different man today. I don't know what made me change; it was as if
something had been injected into my blood that turned me against everything I
had liked best before. I hate the sight of the men and the women I used to go
with, not because they are any worse, but because they remind me of what I
have lost. I have reached the point now where I have got to have news of
Susanna or go and shoot myself.
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